The skin I’m In

So, you’re likely wondering what life in my new skin/size is like.

I wish I could say it’s simple. That it’s easier. That I am comfortable in my own skin. However, not that simple. Food is still my enemy, just now in a new way. In a way I have yet to overcome. I eat too much and too often! I have now learned everything is in excess! This the rapid weight gain. I think from depriving myself of food for so many years-I simply cannot get enough! I savor every bite and lust the many flavors in the world and want to try them all!! Like many things in life-I do EVERYTHING in excess!!! I fight with the mirror and the scale daily! Instead of focusing on the inside, I am obsessed with the OUTSIDE!! See-still messed up! A work in progress am I. I really only find comfort in my daily work clothes-scrubs-aka loose fitting pajamas. My biggest task in dressing for work daily is which color scrubs for the day? However, many of my scrubs are now too tight which reeks havoc on my self esteem and confidence. I can say this, I was VERY confident when I weighed 100 pounds! EVERYTHING fit at EVERYTHING looked amazing on!!! I looked obviously better in clothing back then, as it hid the bulging bones. Now however, NOTHING looks good in my eyes! All I see is bulges and bumps! So now, I layer. I layer to hide. I spend long durations of time trying on clothes to simply leave the house to go to the store. And yes, my mind is consumed with “what are people going to say about me now?!” “WOW has she ever let herself go!” “She’s actually fat now!” Yep, I am consumed with what will others think. Stupid….yep!! And raising 3 daughters, I’m a terrible role model. I’m just NOT comfortable in my own skin. I was when I was anorexic but no longer due to gaining 40+ pounds. I’m by no means fat. My stupid BMI ( I hate that damn chart!) is within normal limits, however my body shape is nothing I’m happy with or proud of. So I have gone from having an extreme ability in pulling fantastic outfits out of almost nothing. To having a closet ever increasing in size due to the struggle of making a simple cute outfit! I am not a quitter though…lol!!! So I shop, and then shop some more in the eternal quest to dress this new body beautifully! Join me in future blogs trying to make cute outfits out of much, for a typical chubby, beer and cheese land body! Help me if you can, as I hope to help and encourage you as well to love the skin you’re in and dress like you mean it!

 

Much love,

Jaxx

Food and substance abuse

During the last 5 years of my then marriage, life for my family had taken some very drastic changes. First off, my ex had lost his job and family all in one swift move via family dynamics, and in so, my ex became unemployed and very depressed and I became the bread earner and determined to keep our home and food in my children’s mouths. I took upon working three main jobs, then another which essentially put me and my health over the top. My daily focus was on which job I needed to go to, time to be there, time to finish, drive home….to then arriving home to my depressed husband and three hungry and scared kids. I cooked them dinner and once finished cooking I served them up their meals. However, due to extreme financial issues, there was never enough food for us all, so when they ate, I went to my room to remove myself from the want to eat. Over the last three years I survived on one banana, one single serve bottle of Mt. Dew and one single serve bag of Dill Pickle chips. That’s it! Ever! In doing so, I went from 154 pounds, down to an average of 95 pounds, 86 was my lowest weight, and I am 5’3. I also became very resentful of my ex in his ability to eat, and lack of determination to survive and to succeed at whatever job he could get. Especially after he told me to get a job at Maurices and it wasn’t beneath me to do so as it was providing for my family, yet he was too good to get a job at such a place as Menards as that was beneath him! He wallowed in his pity as I worked my ass off! Literally!! I’d come home to nothing having been done. Nothing! And that was the beginning of the end. I then began my escape in going out every weekend just to get away from him and my anger for him. My life was rapidly spinning out of control!!! The only thing I could control was what I ate, and I did that well…for three solid years. In these three years I became severely depressed, chronic insomnia, spells of anxiety and anger, and became addicted to sleeping meds and pain killers (when available). I lost myself and forgot who I was, and under the influence of some not so great friends, became something unrecognizable to myself and anyone who ever knew me before. I was a terrible mother! I completely checked out! Made the food-then took my meds and was checked out within 15 minutes. I used to tell my girls, you have 15 minutes to talk and after that I won’t remember anything. I worked like a machine and be a productive employee, only to come home and want to escape life. I finally hit rock bottom after my second, yes second overdose. I teetered on whether I wanted to live-or end it all daily but my meds dulled all the pain. One day I woke up and realized how horrible my life was going and how horrible of a mother I had become (and prior was the most affectionate and loving mom!), that I was abusing medication to zombie me out of a life I couldn’t deal with, was dying inside from lack of nourishment-yet getting lots of compliments on how amazing my body was and what was my secret for losing the weight and looking so great? Ummm—I was a depressed skeleton and a complete failure as a mom and a 100% mess! I made an appointment with a psychic who read everything that was going on in my life and with me, and I went home that day and followed her advice. I was going to die if I didn’t make big changes! She was right! I had fallen completely out of love with my husband because he had changed into someone I didn’t know nor respect anymore. I had become a horrible mother, something I swore I wouldn’t ever do! My health physically and mentally was killing me!!! And I needed to change immediately! I went home that day and flushed every single pill I owned and vowed never to take those again! Ever!! I told my husband I wanted to move out, we needed separation and I needed to get well. I moved out and within months, I changed. I no longer wanted to be married to this new man he’d become and I was becoming the mom I once was prior to all this craziness!

Results=Happy and quite chubby now. A better mom even though my kids overall hate me in many ways, mostly for leaving their father. But most important is….I saved myself!!! From dying in sooooo many ways! I only pray someday my daughters will understand and forgive me for everything I put them through. I endure many, many “hits” from my kids, but I endure each and every one of them. My ex is very, very spiteful of our separation and divorce. However, it was inevitable due to many things. I had remained thin and still only ate those 3 things per day until I met my soulmate. With happiness comes chubbiness I guess. Wish I were about 30 pounds smaller, but that’s the next journey to blog about! Dieting and exercise for a former stick creature who never really had to exercise or diet-I just didn’t eat then. Oh boy has that changed! I put on over 40 pounds in 3 short years and although I’m not fat, I am too big for my body frame and considered overweight. My genetics play heavily on this as people in my family are far from skinny!! I’m borderline diabetic, so again, I need change. I also had my gallbladder removed and have many issues post that as well-so overall, I need to drop about 30 pounds and sooner than later. Blogs on that to follow. Hope my blog helped, inspired or intrigued you. More to come 😘